A blonde is driving in his car and turns on the radio. It says that 2 Brazilian men were killed. he starts crying and says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks... They charged one and let the other one off
Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206...
has had a lazy day and will continue until further notice
Prostitute in the police station The desk officer says, "So when did you realize you were raped?" replies ... "When the cheque bounced!
I know where you are and what you're doing. You're at your computer, reading my status. Amazing, huh?
so i hear Cassie Anthony is looking to get plastic surgery so he can not be recognized..hhmmm, here let me get that for you, bring on the chloroform!
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman.
Anyone can do well when things go smoothly. It's when the sh*t hits the fan that you see what people are made of.
used his last "chill-pill" yesterday. This is your ONLY warning.
thinks till death do us part needs to be taken out of wedding vows and instead should be replaced with till you get bored or someone else comes along.
hates when I do something like a ninja and there is nobody around to see!
is just super duper completely and totally amazingly awesomely, bored.
Random moment-Why do some people like ketchup...and not tomatoes???
Science directory: if it moves, it's biology. If it blows up, it's chemistry. If it's useless, it's physics.
says, I keep forgetting stuff...the doctor says it's not alzheimer's , it's budweisers
My favorite 4 words "Because I said so!"
What's the definition of cruelty? Walking into a cemetery singing ah ah ah ah staying alive staying alive
I am indeed rumbly in my tumbly. -Winnie the Pooh
should be doing stuff today, but instead has gone one further and done stuff all!
This morning my alarm clock decided to wake me up. I wasn't quite ready yet. things got violent... now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake. who won?
is out of order... Sorry for the inconvenience...
drug dealers are using automated phone services now, i just rang one up and this voice said "if you want to buy marijuana press the hash key"
Is so glad no one can read minds, because today that could get me in trouble.
believes some people should come with a warning label...others should come with an expiry date!
Texting + Facebook = Textbook... So I'm studying right? ;)
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Don't worry guys! The world will not end in 2012, I have a can of peas that expires in 2013! We're gonna be alright!
Sarcasm - Gods gift to smart people
When the zombie apocalypse time comes I know EXACTLY who I'm pushing into a horde first..
NEXT TIME YOU GO TO THE PHARMACY FOR CONDOMS, ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS AND SEE WHAT THEY SAY :)
threw a book at my friends face today, "What was that for?" HaHa "I Facebooked you"
Out of all the days in the year ... It had to rain today! :(
...All I'm saying is, if a 400lb jar of cool-aid busted through my wall, I would scream and run for my life.
my children think I have a money tree! So, I keep a dead tree in the backyard just so I can show them when they ask for money that my money tree is bare! :)
is wondering if a cow from china would understand a cow from the UK or do they moo different languages?
A blond texts to A brunette 'what does IDK mean' the brunette replies 'I Don't Know' then the blond replies 'No One Seems To Know'
Mood Forecast for this evening Happy with a good chance of getting pissed!
There is a reason why the past is the past & some people don't make it to our future...Some will create memories and others become a warning :o)
when the bus driver gets off the bus who closes the door?
If you ever get mad at your kids, just remember, they are choosing your nursing home!
I learned a good lesson today. If the batteries are dying, pressing the buttons on the remote even harder won't help.
I did 25 sit-ups this morning. It's not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone hit snooze on an alarm clock??
It's a fact the human tongue cannot touch all your teeth. It's also a fact that you have just tried this and found out that the 1st fact was a lie!!!
Falling in love is like getting drunk. U wake up with a horrible hangover, swearing that you'll never drink again
You are now as pointless as a white crayon.
After reading this comment you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second "the"
If you feel lonely, just throw rocks at people. You can never be lonely if people are chasing you.
is planning on taking over the world with an army of squirrels and a spoon. Wanna Help?
I love photos, because they never change, even if the people in it change...
There's 2 spiders ,3 monkeys , 2 dogs ,and 5 chickens . How many legs do you have ? well how many ? Are you still counting ? please I'm waiting I hope only 2 .
People tell me to go to hell, well I have news for them; been there, conquered it, and Satan threw me out!
lolly pop, lolly pop, oh lolly lolly lolly lolly pop (POP) badum dum dum, good luck getting that out of your head, haha your welcome! :) x
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<br />Why do they sell bras at Walmart? I seem to be the only person wearing one when I'm in the store!
If you get between me and the coffee pot..well, you're just gonna have to die.
You know how they say in ads that Max Factor mascara makes your lashes 3x longer than they are... maybe they should make condoms
can read minds... i know what your doing... wait its coming to me... your on Facebook ain't you.. see i told you i was a mind reader
I don't care it you lick windows, ride the short bus ,or pee yourself! You keep you're head up sunshine! You're frigging special:)
If you're happy, I'm happy, if you cry, I cry, If you jump of a cliff... I'm going to miss you!
2 old ladies sitting in church 1 leans over and whispers to the other "my butt is going to sleep" the other replies "I know I have heard it snore 3 times"
Remember, it's not" How high are you?" It's "Hi, how are you?"
Some say the glass is half full, others say it's half empty. I'm the kind of person who drinks the whole thing to avoid the whole argument.
if you could describe me in one word what would it be? if you are brave enough set this as your status and see what you get!!!
roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are yu...
the roses are dying the violets are dead, the sugar bows empty and so is ur head
don't want to go back to prison, i mean school, i mean prison, i mean school, oh who am i kidding, school is prison and prison is school!
What the FUDGE MC Nuggets is wrong with you!?
A friend texts me, Do you know what IDK stands for?. So I text his back, I don't know. he texts back, OMG nobody knows!
i salute you Mr port a potty guy,it takes a strong man to do your job
I heard that every time you laugh, it adds 7 years to your life. If it's true, I'm gonna life forever!
You smile I smile, you get hurt I get hurt, you cry I cry, you jump off a bridge, I'm gonna miss you...
Oh what beautiful morning,Oh what a wonderful day, I've got a horrible feeling it's gonna piss down all day !!
Have you ever thought just maybe Duct tape really was the answer to all of life's problems??
Dear Past, Thank you for all the lessons. Dear Future, I'm Ready
put the lime in the coconut and shake it all up.
you make me crazy, and confused at times... but when i look at you i get lost in your eyes, inevitably lose my concentration and all sense in my head.
Boy: "I wanna be a superhero, guess my name." Girl: "Superman? Ironman?" Boy: "(smile) YOURMAN"
If you like me then like and comment and i will say wot i like about u !
to some I'm a dream.. to some I'm a night mare.. Well hello lovey.. and welcome haters... pick your poison.. and enjoy the ride. Love /hate me forever
is on the TV! OMFG I'm FAMOUS! Oh wait... I'm on Crimewatch.
wish this wish read wish will wish you wish as wish stupid wish as wish sum1 wish only!(now read it backwards with out the word wish init!!) XD XD XD XD XD
If a turtle has no shell; is it naked or homeless??? Just wondering.
If I read books as much as I read status's on Facebook I'd be a genius!!!
Today, I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, "Cookies are required to operate." I thought to myself, "Me too, Facebook. Me too."
If you are unable to reach me I am probably in my closet, drooling, banging my head and drawing pictures with poop. Yup, been that kind of week.
Being Me... and Rockin it!
Look up "top 50 most searched women" click on the first link look at number seven and start laughing :)
Went horseback riding today..Wind blowing my hair, it was a pretty good ride!! Until I ran out of stinking quarters n the Walmart greeter kicked me out :d
little miss druggie sat in his buggy eating a kilo of weed along came a spider and sat down beside his and sold his a kilo of speed.
~*ur my hunybunch sugar plum pumpy ummpy umkin ur my sweetie pie ur my cuppy cake gumdrop snoogums boogums ur the apple of my eye*~
wow, i was just thinking... if people knew how to read minds...I'd be freaking screwed!
Karma is like a boomerang... if you throw something mean, it always comes back to hit you in the face.
used to be normal until he met those wierd people he now calls his friends
due to health and safety this status has been removed. For more information please press Alt + F4
Facebook is a mental hospital we rake fake grass, harvest fake plants, we make fake food, and we write on walls think about it we are the patients HELP ME!
shhhh!!! be very very quite. it's beer season, and I'm hunting beer.Look there's another one I need to kill
Only a good friend will sit on the floor so you have the chair.Your BEST friend would push you to the side and make you share it with his.
Dear Week, I no longer like you and I am leaving you for Weekend. I would say that it's not you... it's me... but no, it was definitely you.
It's raining cats and dogs... Ooh look! There goes Lassie!!
A Sunday school teacher asked "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl said, "Because people are sleeping."
A good friend will try and tell you to calm down when you are angry. A true friend will be stomping along beside you giggling "Some one is gonna GET IIIIIT!"
I've been to the end of the rainbow. There is no pot of gold only and angry midget trowing skittles at me shouting "TASTE THE FRICKIN RAINBOW!!"
When u start to read this message u will realize this message really says nothing at all but u cant stop reading it now can u.
Where has my mind gone? Oh... Wait... There it is. Its in the gutter again.
Just for fun..Your stuck on an island !!! And can only bring 3 things!! People don't count..
has had coffee, you may now commence with conversation
8 qualities of the perfect girlfriend, brave, intelligent, gentle, thoughtful, innocent, trustworthy, sensible. in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S
Never go 2 bed angry. Its really bad 4 u. Stay up and plot Ur revenge then u'll have a brill nights sleep :D
~~ When life gets you down, know what you gotta do??? Just keep swimming!! Just keep swimming!!!
People always say I'm quiet when they first meet me. What they DON'T know is that I'm actually deciding whether or not I like them with the voices in my head.
FUN= running through walmart barefoot with skittles and Trix throwing them at ppl and screaming "TASTE THE FREAKING RAINBOW KUZ TRIX ARE FOR KIDS"
when people don't know that a รข is actually a <3 x
The cops came too my house and said that my dog bit some guy on a bike I said they were lying because my dog doesn't have a bike!!
If you need me I'll be standing in the front yard like a flamingo wearing pink tiets and a tutu waiting for Google Earth
to come by and take my picture..
If you ask me a question, I say "I don't know" and you ask me again, prepare for a very ridiculous answer.
i laugh at the people that try to be like me. because the one thing that they haven"t figured out is that i"m a limited edition
2 things u never yell when getting on a plane .(1) SHOT GUN (2) HI TO UR FRIEND JACK
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
I am not addicted to texting. I'm addicted to who I am texting. :)
hears laundry calling and is choosing to let it go to voicemail.
Best friends will go to the end of the earth to find the things u need they will never give up on u and they r always there when u need a shoulder to cry on !!
is as bored as a fat kid on a teeter totter
not crazy I am mentally amusing.
Look, just because you don't see my pet unicorn doesn't mean they don't exist. It just means they don't like you!
- **WARNING** - This status is a virus. Do not read it, or your eyes will melt and yuu woinyt be avle toi seee anygthuig
is singing - I Love Drugs Drugs Love Me, Crack Cocaine and Ecstasy, With a Sniff Sniff here and injection there, Now I'm Intensive Care. :P
says: I did it because I can, I can because I want to and I want to because you said that I couldn't.
looked at the thermometer today... it said to stay the &*$# inside!!
hi if you noticed this notice then you would of properly noticed this notice is not worth noticing
Man doing a crossword asks wife "4 letter word for female relative, ends UNT ?" Wife says "AUNT". Husband says "Pass the tippex!"
Things to do at walmart- #25 run around walmart and yell marco and see how many people yell polo
A cute guy will open your eyes;
A smart guy will open your mind.
A loving guy will open your heart.
But a normal guy will open your legs
Man to God - Why did you make women so beautiful? God - So that you will love them. Man - But why did you make them so dumb? God - So that they will love you.
i'm as frustrated as an armless man with an erection
procrastinators unite ... tomorrow ...
The fate of the world is in my hands... Wait, why are you screaming?
I hate it when random thoughts pop into my head and when i try and explain it out loud no matter what i say it makes no sense outside of my head!
doesn't like to drink alone. So I got on Facebook and had a beer. So now I'm drinking with my friends right??
is eating batteries so he can run as fast as the Duracell rabbit
To be happy with a man, u must understand him a lot and love him a little...
To be happy with a woman, u must love her a lot and not try to understand at all..
okay, so there are 57 fish in a bowl.
43 drown.
how many are left?
QUIT COUNTING YOU DORK FISH CAN'T DROWN
Everyone knows that I am an angel..dam, hold on a min..sorry, my tail was tangled around my pitchfork, and my horns were tangled in my hair..now, where was I.
Don't be jealous when you see your ex with someone else just remember it's always good to give your old used toys the the less fortunate.. lol
The 'snap, crackle, and pop' I heard didn't come from my cereal bowl...my joints gave out when I reached for the box!
I'll throw a book in your face u'll say"What was that for?" i'll be like "you Got FACE-BOOKED" (:
If you see me smile for no reason or out of the blue, RUN! Im thinking of ideas on how to torture my victims...
Paper beats rock huh? So if I pelt you with rocks is your piece of paper going to protect you? I think not..
me without you is like a shoe without laces, a nerd without braces, and a sentence without spaces. hahahh. <3
